Well, the 60-day trial is ending, and Mom will officially have her boys back. We have still been watching them on Saturdays and will have to take them on vacation with us Thanksgiving week because there is no daycare and Mom has to work.
So although our role is "over" (on paper at least), it continues. This is not a surprise to us. We have told Mom that we are here to support her with M and J in any way we are able. We want her to succeed. We want M and J to succeed.
The fact that Mom has acquired a boyfriend (whom she met online while we were taking care of her kids) and that J has been tardy 8 times already this school year make me leary. I hope she does well and can make it until they are both grown, but I am not holding my breath.
We have made it clear that if she were to screw things up again and we were to get the call that the boys need us, we will not take them. Not until both Mom and Dad have signed away all parental rights and we adopt them. It is not fair to the boys and it is not fair to us any other way.
Here's hoping there is not an adoption in our future!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Nearing the End?
Well, the boys are officially living with their mother nearly full time. As of Thursday, she has begun a 60-day trial. This simply means that during the next two months the County can pull the kids from her home at any time for any reason. If she does well during the trial, she will be given back provisional custody of the boys.
We moved their bunk beds, dresser and toys over to her apartment yesterday. Both J and M are thrilled to be back with their mom, which is great. And my son is excited to say the least about having his room back to himself.
For the trial period we will still have them on Saturdays all day and overnight so she can work. Once it is over, she will be back to a regular Monday through Friday daytime schedule.
I am happy that it is all winding down, I won't try to hide that fact. It is nice to see that mom has done well in her classes and I hope and pray that it sticks. Those boys deserve a good chance at life, and I think if she stays sober they may do alright.
I want to say this will be my last entry, but I can't be sure. So I will say this is it for now.
We moved their bunk beds, dresser and toys over to her apartment yesterday. Both J and M are thrilled to be back with their mom, which is great. And my son is excited to say the least about having his room back to himself.
For the trial period we will still have them on Saturdays all day and overnight so she can work. Once it is over, she will be back to a regular Monday through Friday daytime schedule.
I am happy that it is all winding down, I won't try to hide that fact. It is nice to see that mom has done well in her classes and I hope and pray that it sticks. Those boys deserve a good chance at life, and I think if she stays sober they may do alright.
I want to say this will be my last entry, but I can't be sure. So I will say this is it for now.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Time Changes Everything
As we have moved forward in this journey, I expected things to get easier. After all, mom is getting the help she so desperately needed, the kids are getting more used to living at our house and excitement is beginning to build in the boys about going back home with their mom.
The opposite has been the case. The more time they spend with mom, the more difficult it has become. They are both acting out but I am especially worried about J. I totally get why they do what they do. The defiance, anger, frustration - I understand exactly how all of those things can build up and then rear their ugly heads. For goodness sake, these boys have been through so much in their short lives.
It has been getting worse by the week, so I called the social worker this week and asked about getting them counseling. As with the immunizations, counseling is a sticking point for mom because it is against her religion. In fact, counseling will be a MUCH larger point of contention with mom. I am gearing up and bracing for a firestorm just for the fact that I even suggested it.
The SW has put into action a plan for someone to be with mom for 3 to 4 hours each week while the boys are with her in order to observe and critique her parenting skills. The SW believes the acting out is a result of going from the structure and stability of our house to the free-for-all atmosphere at mom's, and then coming back to structure. It creates confusion and frustration, understandably. The goal is for the boys to have structure, so the goal is to get mom to actually discipline them instead of always letting them have their way.
The SW said that we will try this approach first and, if there is not significant improvement in the behavior at our house, we will put them in counseling. Mom gets no say in this one. The judge has already ordered that they receive counseling if needed.
But it will still be a source of bitterness in mom. She will resent that we even brought up the fact that the boys are acting out. And that is fine with me. I can take it. As long as the boys have a good life with her in the long run.
The opposite has been the case. The more time they spend with mom, the more difficult it has become. They are both acting out but I am especially worried about J. I totally get why they do what they do. The defiance, anger, frustration - I understand exactly how all of those things can build up and then rear their ugly heads. For goodness sake, these boys have been through so much in their short lives.
It has been getting worse by the week, so I called the social worker this week and asked about getting them counseling. As with the immunizations, counseling is a sticking point for mom because it is against her religion. In fact, counseling will be a MUCH larger point of contention with mom. I am gearing up and bracing for a firestorm just for the fact that I even suggested it.
The SW has put into action a plan for someone to be with mom for 3 to 4 hours each week while the boys are with her in order to observe and critique her parenting skills. The SW believes the acting out is a result of going from the structure and stability of our house to the free-for-all atmosphere at mom's, and then coming back to structure. It creates confusion and frustration, understandably. The goal is for the boys to have structure, so the goal is to get mom to actually discipline them instead of always letting them have their way.
The SW said that we will try this approach first and, if there is not significant improvement in the behavior at our house, we will put them in counseling. Mom gets no say in this one. The judge has already ordered that they receive counseling if needed.
But it will still be a source of bitterness in mom. She will resent that we even brought up the fact that the boys are acting out. And that is fine with me. I can take it. As long as the boys have a good life with her in the long run.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Almost a Travesty
We had a dilemma come up this week. Mom has chosen not to immunize the boys. When we took custody of them in January we were aware of this, and were told that the court would respect her wish. Not a problem. Until now.
Our community is experiencing an epidemic of pertussis, or whooping cough. We have been hearing about it on the news and certainly became concerned for the boys. Especially J, who has breathing trouble whenever he gets a cold. The whooping cough is brutal and can last for months.
But the bigger dilemma is this: Our son has asthma and shares a room with the boys. I did some research and learned that the vaccine is not 100% effective. I also learned that children who get whooping cough are contagious before they ever show symptoms. People with asthma who get whooping cough are at risk of much more serious complications than others. We called our pediatrician who advised us not to have our son sleeping in a room with children who are not immunized.
We explained all of this to mom, who quickly informed us that she would not be immunizing the boys and that she would have them removed from our home before she got them immunized. Period, end of discussion.
Now I would hate to see those boys traumatized again by being pulled from our home and placed in foster care with people they do not know. That would be a travesty. But my first obligation is to protect my child in every way possible, which means the boys get immunized or they cannot live here any longer. The decision is, unfortunately, out of my hands.
Since mom was clear that she would not immunize, I had to contact the social worker and share my dilemma. He completely understood, but told me that ultimately the court must respect her decision as she retains her parental rights, including medical decisions. He said he would contact mom and try to talk to her about it and asked that we give her a "heads up" that he would be calling.
When my husband called mom and told her, she was very angry. But I guess the reality that her boys could be uprooted once again hit her and she agreed to get them immunized for pertussis. She is not happy at all, but at least she is doing the right thing for her kids.
Thank God for answering prayers. This could have been horrible for those kids.
Our community is experiencing an epidemic of pertussis, or whooping cough. We have been hearing about it on the news and certainly became concerned for the boys. Especially J, who has breathing trouble whenever he gets a cold. The whooping cough is brutal and can last for months.
But the bigger dilemma is this: Our son has asthma and shares a room with the boys. I did some research and learned that the vaccine is not 100% effective. I also learned that children who get whooping cough are contagious before they ever show symptoms. People with asthma who get whooping cough are at risk of much more serious complications than others. We called our pediatrician who advised us not to have our son sleeping in a room with children who are not immunized.
We explained all of this to mom, who quickly informed us that she would not be immunizing the boys and that she would have them removed from our home before she got them immunized. Period, end of discussion.
Now I would hate to see those boys traumatized again by being pulled from our home and placed in foster care with people they do not know. That would be a travesty. But my first obligation is to protect my child in every way possible, which means the boys get immunized or they cannot live here any longer. The decision is, unfortunately, out of my hands.
Since mom was clear that she would not immunize, I had to contact the social worker and share my dilemma. He completely understood, but told me that ultimately the court must respect her decision as she retains her parental rights, including medical decisions. He said he would contact mom and try to talk to her about it and asked that we give her a "heads up" that he would be calling.
When my husband called mom and told her, she was very angry. But I guess the reality that her boys could be uprooted once again hit her and she agreed to get them immunized for pertussis. She is not happy at all, but at least she is doing the right thing for her kids.
Thank God for answering prayers. This could have been horrible for those kids.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Summer
Life is so busy, I don't get much time to stop in here and blog. Summer has been a bit of a challenge so far ...
The boys are in daycare. J is happy to go to daycare. He loves that he gets to play with his friends, go on field trips and have assemblies. M is not so happy about it. He complains that my kids get to stay home. I work from home and my kids are old enough to keep quiet while I am working. They can also fend for themselves when I have an appointment to attend. M is not happy with this arrangement and makes it known. But I must work and this is the only way I can efficiently do so.
I had surgery a week ago to remove a bone in my shoulder that was impinging my artery and blood flow to my arm. I was scheduled to have this surgery in January, a week after we got the boys. With all of the upheaval in our lives at that point, I postponed the surgery. We are in a bit of a groove now with the kids, so I rescheduled (being told by the doctor that my condition had worsened also pushed me along). The surgery went very well, but I must rest in order to recover. And I am not allowed to drive yet.
So we made the mom step up and help us out during this time. Since she has unmonitored visitation privileges, she has been taking the boys to daycare each morning for me. She also came to our home at 4:30 a.m. on the day of my surgery to sit with the boys and get them to daycare. It's the least she can do.
I have noticed a change in the boys this summer. I'm not sure if it's just that they have reached a higher comfort level here, or if they are just getting more frustrated with this whole situation. It may have something to do with the amount of time they are now spending with their mom (16 hours a week, unmonitored). Both of them are sporting more attitude. M will challenge us when asked to do something, or complain about how we do things. J will just roll his eyes at me.
They are able to "work" their mom pretty easily. A few whiny words, a couple of tears, some begging - it's that easy to get what they want from her. I honestly think they are more frustrated with us now because they have been with their mom so much lately, and have had a taste of manipulation. They know it doesn't work with us and it aggravates them.
We still have 54 days of summer to go. Hope I make it!!
The boys are in daycare. J is happy to go to daycare. He loves that he gets to play with his friends, go on field trips and have assemblies. M is not so happy about it. He complains that my kids get to stay home. I work from home and my kids are old enough to keep quiet while I am working. They can also fend for themselves when I have an appointment to attend. M is not happy with this arrangement and makes it known. But I must work and this is the only way I can efficiently do so.
I had surgery a week ago to remove a bone in my shoulder that was impinging my artery and blood flow to my arm. I was scheduled to have this surgery in January, a week after we got the boys. With all of the upheaval in our lives at that point, I postponed the surgery. We are in a bit of a groove now with the kids, so I rescheduled (being told by the doctor that my condition had worsened also pushed me along). The surgery went very well, but I must rest in order to recover. And I am not allowed to drive yet.
So we made the mom step up and help us out during this time. Since she has unmonitored visitation privileges, she has been taking the boys to daycare each morning for me. She also came to our home at 4:30 a.m. on the day of my surgery to sit with the boys and get them to daycare. It's the least she can do.
I have noticed a change in the boys this summer. I'm not sure if it's just that they have reached a higher comfort level here, or if they are just getting more frustrated with this whole situation. It may have something to do with the amount of time they are now spending with their mom (16 hours a week, unmonitored). Both of them are sporting more attitude. M will challenge us when asked to do something, or complain about how we do things. J will just roll his eyes at me.
They are able to "work" their mom pretty easily. A few whiny words, a couple of tears, some begging - it's that easy to get what they want from her. I honestly think they are more frustrated with us now because they have been with their mom so much lately, and have had a taste of manipulation. They know it doesn't work with us and it aggravates them.
We still have 54 days of summer to go. Hope I make it!!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Five Months
It has been five months since this adventure began. Ups, downs and all, we are making it.
The boys are doing great. School is almost out for the summer and both boys have adjusted well to their new school. Each of them won an award in their class, which made them and me very proud. I have to hand it to them - so much upheaval in their young lives and they still manage to be good kids and do a good job with their school work.
Their dad has not called here since he left. He has called their mom a couple of times while the boys were with her and talked to them briefly. I am still not sure what he intends to do long-term, but I do not think he will ever be a meaningful participant in the boys' lives.
At this point mom gets to take them for 12 hours per week unmonitored. This has been the case for the last 3 weeks, and I must say it has been nice to have that break each weekend. The next step will be an overnight visit each week, then progressing to her having them for the weekends.
This all sounds great but the reality is that she is still doing classes every weekday. This means the only time she can work is evenings and weekends. So even though she has increased visitation with the boys, we will still have them here the majority of the time while she works.
She will be finished with her classes in late November, barring any hiccups along the way. At that point she can look for a day job and, when she finds one, she can then resume parenting the boys on a full-time basis.
When all is said and done, we will have them for a full year. Wow.
The boys are doing great. School is almost out for the summer and both boys have adjusted well to their new school. Each of them won an award in their class, which made them and me very proud. I have to hand it to them - so much upheaval in their young lives and they still manage to be good kids and do a good job with their school work.
Their dad has not called here since he left. He has called their mom a couple of times while the boys were with her and talked to them briefly. I am still not sure what he intends to do long-term, but I do not think he will ever be a meaningful participant in the boys' lives.
At this point mom gets to take them for 12 hours per week unmonitored. This has been the case for the last 3 weeks, and I must say it has been nice to have that break each weekend. The next step will be an overnight visit each week, then progressing to her having them for the weekends.
This all sounds great but the reality is that she is still doing classes every weekday. This means the only time she can work is evenings and weekends. So even though she has increased visitation with the boys, we will still have them here the majority of the time while she works.
She will be finished with her classes in late November, barring any hiccups along the way. At that point she can look for a day job and, when she finds one, she can then resume parenting the boys on a full-time basis.
When all is said and done, we will have them for a full year. Wow.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Dad Has Left the Building
Well, the boys' dad was here for all of a month. Now he's gone. He left yesterday to move across the state and start a new life - oops, I mean job.
He says he is going there to work for a "few months" to earn some money then he will be back to participate daily in the lives of his children. He very clearly does not want to be married to their mother any longer, which is fine. But to pack up and leave his kids? Again?
Poor J is devastated to say the least. This will scar that boy far more than his mother's drinking and the consequences of it. Both boys were ecstatic that their father was finally here, ready to be part of their lives. They had hopes and dreams of how life was going to be once they could be home and have their dad with them. Especially J - he has a certain bond with his dad that goes deep. Both boys are upset and sad, but J is crushed to the core.
So here we are, left to pick up the pieces of his decision to leave. We have to comfort them and dry their tears. We have to try to explain to little boys why their father has left them.
I come back to my theme of this entire ordeal. We must focus. Focus on these kids, on the task at hand. Focus on helping mom to continue on the right path (she's doing great, by the way) to reunify with her boys. She can do this, we have faith.
Focus. And soldier on. For the boys.
He says he is going there to work for a "few months" to earn some money then he will be back to participate daily in the lives of his children. He very clearly does not want to be married to their mother any longer, which is fine. But to pack up and leave his kids? Again?
Poor J is devastated to say the least. This will scar that boy far more than his mother's drinking and the consequences of it. Both boys were ecstatic that their father was finally here, ready to be part of their lives. They had hopes and dreams of how life was going to be once they could be home and have their dad with them. Especially J - he has a certain bond with his dad that goes deep. Both boys are upset and sad, but J is crushed to the core.
So here we are, left to pick up the pieces of his decision to leave. We have to comfort them and dry their tears. We have to try to explain to little boys why their father has left them.
I come back to my theme of this entire ordeal. We must focus. Focus on these kids, on the task at hand. Focus on helping mom to continue on the right path (she's doing great, by the way) to reunify with her boys. She can do this, we have faith.
Focus. And soldier on. For the boys.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Dad is Here
Well, the boys' dad arrived here finally on Friday. They saw him yesterday for the first time in a year and a half. To say they were overjoyed would be a gross understatement. My husband took both boys and their dad to their first (even dad's!) MLB game last night. I'm sure it is a day that the boys will remember for the rest of their lives as one of the best ever.
Dad is a bit quiet and shy but is very attentive to the boys. Not quite sure yet how things are going to work with dad and mom but for now they are living in the same home and she is going to help him find a job.
This could go either way - all could work out and they could live happily ever after as a family, or mom and dad could have a big blow out and it could get ugly.
Fingers crossed for the former!
Dad is a bit quiet and shy but is very attentive to the boys. Not quite sure yet how things are going to work with dad and mom but for now they are living in the same home and she is going to help him find a job.
This could go either way - all could work out and they could live happily ever after as a family, or mom and dad could have a big blow out and it could get ugly.
Fingers crossed for the former!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A new chapter? Or an old one?
Like the sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives ...
Ever feel like you're in a soap opera? Only it's your life? Welcome to my world.
The boys' mom and dad have apparently decided to make a go of it. When he returns to this country in a couple of weeks, he now says he intends to live with her and attempt to make their marriage work. Is he just realizing that he needs her help to make a go of it in America? Or has he truly had a change of heart and wants to keep his family intact? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter!
At least the boys are doing well. Progressing in school, behaving for us here at home, enjoying their lives it seems. Must focus on them, and not the drama.
Ever feel like you're in a soap opera? Only it's your life? Welcome to my world.
The boys' mom and dad have apparently decided to make a go of it. When he returns to this country in a couple of weeks, he now says he intends to live with her and attempt to make their marriage work. Is he just realizing that he needs her help to make a go of it in America? Or has he truly had a change of heart and wants to keep his family intact? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter!
At least the boys are doing well. Progressing in school, behaving for us here at home, enjoying their lives it seems. Must focus on them, and not the drama.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The More Things Change ...
What a wild ride. It all started out rather calmly, this process. Everyone was on the same team. Hope mom and dad can get it together as a team and get J and M back, live as a family and flourish. Then it changed to mom and/or dad, or any combination thereof. Now we just have our fingers crossed that one of them might actually be strong and mature enough to actually do this!
Dad doesn't do what mom wants, and mom goes ballistic. Mom tries to give my husband and I parenting tips (in the form of a Scientology child rearing guide) because we don't do things the way she would do them. My husband doesn't take kindly to the suggestions. Dad is trying his best to get up here and keep things copasetic with mom.
I am simply trying to stay focused on the task at hand. Be a good influence while I have them. We actually had a visit from a "pre-adoption" social worker this week. She said it is routine for her to visit, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on the situation ...
Dad doesn't do what mom wants, and mom goes ballistic. Mom tries to give my husband and I parenting tips (in the form of a Scientology child rearing guide) because we don't do things the way she would do them. My husband doesn't take kindly to the suggestions. Dad is trying his best to get up here and keep things copasetic with mom.
I am simply trying to stay focused on the task at hand. Be a good influence while I have them. We actually had a visit from a "pre-adoption" social worker this week. She said it is routine for her to visit, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on the situation ...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Acclimation
Has it really been six weeks? Has it only been six weeks?
Amazing how quickly everyone adapts to new circumstances. I find it so interesting that the boys feel so much a part of our family already. When asked to write about family traditions, J wrote only about what we do here in our home. M was asked to draw his family and he included only our immediate family, including J, but not his mother nor his father. He even included our dogs.
I am so glad that they feel so comfortable with us, but it also breaks my heart. They must have really needed that connection to cling to it so readily. Perhaps its a human survival instinct to identify with your current situation in such a deep way. Perhaps it is just two kids that want to fit in.
Whatever the reason, I am not going to discourage it. If it makes this situation easier for them, I'm on board.
Amazing how quickly everyone adapts to new circumstances. I find it so interesting that the boys feel so much a part of our family already. When asked to write about family traditions, J wrote only about what we do here in our home. M was asked to draw his family and he included only our immediate family, including J, but not his mother nor his father. He even included our dogs.
I am so glad that they feel so comfortable with us, but it also breaks my heart. They must have really needed that connection to cling to it so readily. Perhaps its a human survival instinct to identify with your current situation in such a deep way. Perhaps it is just two kids that want to fit in.
Whatever the reason, I am not going to discourage it. If it makes this situation easier for them, I'm on board.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Things That Get to Me
I have said it before and I will say it again. It has been a fairly smooth transition for both our family and the boys. But there are a few things that get to me.
It's not the fact that their mom screwed up not only her situation but theirs, and ours. It's not that we are now accountable to the County and must follow their strict guidelines. It's not even the drama going on between their mom and dad. Nor the apparent intention of their dad to take them to Mexico and raise them there.
It's the little things that speak volumes. M crashed on his scooter today, Damage was minimal - a scraped knee and knuckle. Nothing a bit of Neosporin and a bandage topped off with a kiss couldn't fix. But as he sat there crying, I knew he wanted his mom. As much as I held and comforted him, fixed up his boo-boos and tried to make it better, I couldn't provide the one thing he really wanted. His mom. The same feeling of helplessness came over me when he woke up in the middle of the night with a 103.5 fever and a bad headache. Or when he got scared at something in a movie and started to cry. I can love and comfort him to the best of my tried and true mommy ability, but I can't be her.
On Valentine's Day, all the kids woke up and came at me with big hugs and a "Happy Valentine's Day mom!" Even M and J. They have both called me mom on several occasions - they laugh it off somewhat, but I think they just want to fit in and be a part of our family. I corrected them each time in the beginning, but now I just let it go. Breaks my heart for these two. M even made a Valentine card at school, wrote To: Mom and Dad (actually wrote Moom and Dad - cute) and gave it to me and my husband. I asked him if he meant to give it to his mom, and he said no that he did that on purpose.
This journey may be a short one or may be a long one. No one knows at this point. I'm sure it will have many twists and turns. I am just trying to keep my focus on the two little lives that are in home right now. I want to have a positive impact while I have the opportunity to influence them. And hopefully they will carry with them what they learn at our home, whether they leave here in a few months or remain with us until their grown.
One day at a time.
It's not the fact that their mom screwed up not only her situation but theirs, and ours. It's not that we are now accountable to the County and must follow their strict guidelines. It's not even the drama going on between their mom and dad. Nor the apparent intention of their dad to take them to Mexico and raise them there.
It's the little things that speak volumes. M crashed on his scooter today, Damage was minimal - a scraped knee and knuckle. Nothing a bit of Neosporin and a bandage topped off with a kiss couldn't fix. But as he sat there crying, I knew he wanted his mom. As much as I held and comforted him, fixed up his boo-boos and tried to make it better, I couldn't provide the one thing he really wanted. His mom. The same feeling of helplessness came over me when he woke up in the middle of the night with a 103.5 fever and a bad headache. Or when he got scared at something in a movie and started to cry. I can love and comfort him to the best of my tried and true mommy ability, but I can't be her.
On Valentine's Day, all the kids woke up and came at me with big hugs and a "Happy Valentine's Day mom!" Even M and J. They have both called me mom on several occasions - they laugh it off somewhat, but I think they just want to fit in and be a part of our family. I corrected them each time in the beginning, but now I just let it go. Breaks my heart for these two. M even made a Valentine card at school, wrote To: Mom and Dad (actually wrote Moom and Dad - cute) and gave it to me and my husband. I asked him if he meant to give it to his mom, and he said no that he did that on purpose.
This journey may be a short one or may be a long one. No one knows at this point. I'm sure it will have many twists and turns. I am just trying to keep my focus on the two little lives that are in home right now. I want to have a positive impact while I have the opportunity to influence them. And hopefully they will carry with them what they learn at our home, whether they leave here in a few months or remain with us until their grown.
One day at a time.
Monday, February 15, 2010
One Month Today
Time seems to be going by quickly. We took our first weekend camping trip since getting J and M, and it went very well. We all had a great time! Of course, they had been camping with us a couple of times before so they knew what to expect. I must say it was nice to get away and take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having.
I got a call from their mom on the way home this afternoon. She wanted to let us know that she had found out last summer that their dad had been cheating on her and had actually had a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When it ended, the woman contacted the boys' mom and let her know everything. Including the month-long trip they took together to Cancun and the extensive amount of time she had spent with the boys while they were living there.
Their mom wanted to try and work things out and still live as a family, but their dad has made it very clear to her that he only wants to get his Visa and has no intention of living with her or mending their relationship. So she has finally "let go of the dream" (her words, not mine - I would have referred to it as more of a nightmare) and decided that as soon as he arrives in the U.S. she will file for divorce. They each say they are going to fight for full custody of the boys.
This is a game-changer in so many ways. First of all, I'm not confident that either one of them can provide for and care for the boys on their own. Second of all, this is going to get nasty between them. Third, my heart breaks for J and M. It really is their dream that is dying.
I told my husband that we really need to prepare ourselves. If neither parent can get their act together (they are both required to take alcohol and parenting classes before being considered to parent these kids), we may end up having them permanently. Which may not be a bad thing.
I got a call from their mom on the way home this afternoon. She wanted to let us know that she had found out last summer that their dad had been cheating on her and had actually had a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When it ended, the woman contacted the boys' mom and let her know everything. Including the month-long trip they took together to Cancun and the extensive amount of time she had spent with the boys while they were living there.
Their mom wanted to try and work things out and still live as a family, but their dad has made it very clear to her that he only wants to get his Visa and has no intention of living with her or mending their relationship. So she has finally "let go of the dream" (her words, not mine - I would have referred to it as more of a nightmare) and decided that as soon as he arrives in the U.S. she will file for divorce. They each say they are going to fight for full custody of the boys.
This is a game-changer in so many ways. First of all, I'm not confident that either one of them can provide for and care for the boys on their own. Second of all, this is going to get nasty between them. Third, my heart breaks for J and M. It really is their dream that is dying.
I told my husband that we really need to prepare ourselves. If neither parent can get their act together (they are both required to take alcohol and parenting classes before being considered to parent these kids), we may end up having them permanently. Which may not be a bad thing.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Almost a Month Already
Boy it does not seem like it has been a month since the boys came to live with us. So much has happened and time has flown. Sometimes it seems like they just got here. Sometimes it seems like they have always been here.
I have noticed that my kids and the boys have been acting more like siblings all the time. They are protective of one another but also bicker at each other at times. It's funny how the dynamic is developing so quickly. My son has been a real trooper about J and M being in his room. It's such a sacrifice for a 12 year old to give up his privacy. I try to allow him some time in there each day alone if he wants it.
The visits with mom have gone better than expected. M was very clingy on the first visit but has not been since. Mom shows up and spends her two hours then leaves. There are no sad faces, no tears. I was surprised by that. And I would be hurt if it was my kids that let me walk away that easily.
I am beginning to think that mom is almost relieved that this entire debaucle happened in the first place. Honestly, I believe she was completely overwhelmed with being a single mom to two little boys. Now she knows they are safe, loved and well taken care of at our house. She can go about her business and do what she wants without worrying about them.
Time will tell if she is willing to work the program she is given or not. I hope for the kids' sake she does!
I have noticed that my kids and the boys have been acting more like siblings all the time. They are protective of one another but also bicker at each other at times. It's funny how the dynamic is developing so quickly. My son has been a real trooper about J and M being in his room. It's such a sacrifice for a 12 year old to give up his privacy. I try to allow him some time in there each day alone if he wants it.
The visits with mom have gone better than expected. M was very clingy on the first visit but has not been since. Mom shows up and spends her two hours then leaves. There are no sad faces, no tears. I was surprised by that. And I would be hurt if it was my kids that let me walk away that easily.
I am beginning to think that mom is almost relieved that this entire debaucle happened in the first place. Honestly, I believe she was completely overwhelmed with being a single mom to two little boys. Now she knows they are safe, loved and well taken care of at our house. She can go about her business and do what she wants without worrying about them.
Time will tell if she is willing to work the program she is given or not. I hope for the kids' sake she does!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Three Weeks In
It is two days shy of three weeks, and we have definitely settled in with our new additions. I feel like things are becoming easier all the time. I hope the boys feel the same way.
J and M began attending my daughter's elementary school this past Monday. J complained to his teacher about a stomach ache the first day but I'm sure it was just nerves. They both seem to like it and are making friends quickly. That's a relief to me. I registered them for daycare, which they will start on Tuesday. I can then get back to some sort of a normal work schedule.
Their previous school informed me on their last day that J had won "Student of the Month" for January. I took them both back today for an assembly so he could get his award. It was so worth it. He was grinning from ear to ear!
Their mom was released from jail last Friday, and promptly moved one of the "friends" she made in jail into her apartment. She has lost her job due to her situation as well, and took on a job part-time working nights and weekends. She is entitled to three monitored visits per week, two hours each. Since the boys are in schoold during the weekdays and she works nights and weekends it is going to be difficult.
She told me that she cannot continue to attend the alcohol classes she was ordered to attend when she got the DUI last summer. She just doesn't have the money. Apparently all she has to do is show up, sign in and pay them each week. The class is not required. Really?
I really want to root for her. I really do. But she is not starting off on the right foot here. A jail-house roommate. Lost her job. Not motivated to actually learn something from classes, just to pay until she's done.
During her first visit last night it went pretty well. The boys were definitely happy to see her. M was clinging to her - broke my heart how much he wanted to hold on to her. I was expecting them to revert to their past behavior with her (chaos) but they did well.
All inidications are that we will have them at least until summer. I hope they look back on this time as a positive part of their little lives.
J and M began attending my daughter's elementary school this past Monday. J complained to his teacher about a stomach ache the first day but I'm sure it was just nerves. They both seem to like it and are making friends quickly. That's a relief to me. I registered them for daycare, which they will start on Tuesday. I can then get back to some sort of a normal work schedule.
Their previous school informed me on their last day that J had won "Student of the Month" for January. I took them both back today for an assembly so he could get his award. It was so worth it. He was grinning from ear to ear!
Their mom was released from jail last Friday, and promptly moved one of the "friends" she made in jail into her apartment. She has lost her job due to her situation as well, and took on a job part-time working nights and weekends. She is entitled to three monitored visits per week, two hours each. Since the boys are in schoold during the weekdays and she works nights and weekends it is going to be difficult.
She told me that she cannot continue to attend the alcohol classes she was ordered to attend when she got the DUI last summer. She just doesn't have the money. Apparently all she has to do is show up, sign in and pay them each week. The class is not required. Really?
I really want to root for her. I really do. But she is not starting off on the right foot here. A jail-house roommate. Lost her job. Not motivated to actually learn something from classes, just to pay until she's done.
During her first visit last night it went pretty well. The boys were definitely happy to see her. M was clinging to her - broke my heart how much he wanted to hold on to her. I was expecting them to revert to their past behavior with her (chaos) but they did well.
All inidications are that we will have them at least until summer. I hope they look back on this time as a positive part of their little lives.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
One Week In
One week ago we were a family of four. Today we are a family of six. Just like that.
My husband and I have two kids, D is 12 and A is 10. We are an on-the-go type of family - always doing something or going somewhere. A rolling stone or something similar. A nice little life to be certain.
My husband's sister lives nearby with her two sons, ages 6 and 7. Her husband is out of the country awaiting word on his Visa to come live here with his family. She works hard raising those boys alone and waiting for her husband's return. She also has a drinking problem. That problem was under control for a long time, but had become an issue again in the last six months. We had suspected she was drinking again, but hoped it wasn't true. We were wrong.
Last Friday, January 15, she was arrested for leaving the kids at home alone while she walked to the corner bar. J, the 7 year old, woke up and got scared when he couldn't find mom. Walked out the front door to look for and was found walking down the street crying. The police were called and the boys were taken to a children's home. We were able to take custody that night.
Through the course of this week we found out much more:
1. The boys' dad got his Visa approved and will be back here within two months.
2. The boys' dad cannot take custody of his kids until he has a job, a home and can prove to the County that he is a fit parent.
3. The mom had a DUI within the past six months, with M, the six year old, in the car.
This whole world of foster parenting is new to us. We had no idea of the restrictions placed on foster parents by the County.
We are fortunate that the transition has been smooth considering. The boys seem to be adjusting to it well - due in part, I'm sure, to the fact that they have spent quite a bit of time with us at our home.
It's a journey and I wanted to document it.
My husband and I have two kids, D is 12 and A is 10. We are an on-the-go type of family - always doing something or going somewhere. A rolling stone or something similar. A nice little life to be certain.
My husband's sister lives nearby with her two sons, ages 6 and 7. Her husband is out of the country awaiting word on his Visa to come live here with his family. She works hard raising those boys alone and waiting for her husband's return. She also has a drinking problem. That problem was under control for a long time, but had become an issue again in the last six months. We had suspected she was drinking again, but hoped it wasn't true. We were wrong.
Last Friday, January 15, she was arrested for leaving the kids at home alone while she walked to the corner bar. J, the 7 year old, woke up and got scared when he couldn't find mom. Walked out the front door to look for and was found walking down the street crying. The police were called and the boys were taken to a children's home. We were able to take custody that night.
Through the course of this week we found out much more:
1. The boys' dad got his Visa approved and will be back here within two months.
2. The boys' dad cannot take custody of his kids until he has a job, a home and can prove to the County that he is a fit parent.
3. The mom had a DUI within the past six months, with M, the six year old, in the car.
This whole world of foster parenting is new to us. We had no idea of the restrictions placed on foster parents by the County.
We are fortunate that the transition has been smooth considering. The boys seem to be adjusting to it well - due in part, I'm sure, to the fact that they have spent quite a bit of time with us at our home.
It's a journey and I wanted to document it.
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