I have said it before and I will say it again. It has been a fairly smooth transition for both our family and the boys. But there are a few things that get to me.
It's not the fact that their mom screwed up not only her situation but theirs, and ours. It's not that we are now accountable to the County and must follow their strict guidelines. It's not even the drama going on between their mom and dad. Nor the apparent intention of their dad to take them to Mexico and raise them there.
It's the little things that speak volumes. M crashed on his scooter today, Damage was minimal - a scraped knee and knuckle. Nothing a bit of Neosporin and a bandage topped off with a kiss couldn't fix. But as he sat there crying, I knew he wanted his mom. As much as I held and comforted him, fixed up his boo-boos and tried to make it better, I couldn't provide the one thing he really wanted. His mom. The same feeling of helplessness came over me when he woke up in the middle of the night with a 103.5 fever and a bad headache. Or when he got scared at something in a movie and started to cry. I can love and comfort him to the best of my tried and true mommy ability, but I can't be her.
On Valentine's Day, all the kids woke up and came at me with big hugs and a "Happy Valentine's Day mom!" Even M and J. They have both called me mom on several occasions - they laugh it off somewhat, but I think they just want to fit in and be a part of our family. I corrected them each time in the beginning, but now I just let it go. Breaks my heart for these two. M even made a Valentine card at school, wrote To: Mom and Dad (actually wrote Moom and Dad - cute) and gave it to me and my husband. I asked him if he meant to give it to his mom, and he said no that he did that on purpose.
This journey may be a short one or may be a long one. No one knows at this point. I'm sure it will have many twists and turns. I am just trying to keep my focus on the two little lives that are in home right now. I want to have a positive impact while I have the opportunity to influence them. And hopefully they will carry with them what they learn at our home, whether they leave here in a few months or remain with us until their grown.
One day at a time.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
One Month Today
Time seems to be going by quickly. We took our first weekend camping trip since getting J and M, and it went very well. We all had a great time! Of course, they had been camping with us a couple of times before so they knew what to expect. I must say it was nice to get away and take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having.
I got a call from their mom on the way home this afternoon. She wanted to let us know that she had found out last summer that their dad had been cheating on her and had actually had a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When it ended, the woman contacted the boys' mom and let her know everything. Including the month-long trip they took together to Cancun and the extensive amount of time she had spent with the boys while they were living there.
Their mom wanted to try and work things out and still live as a family, but their dad has made it very clear to her that he only wants to get his Visa and has no intention of living with her or mending their relationship. So she has finally "let go of the dream" (her words, not mine - I would have referred to it as more of a nightmare) and decided that as soon as he arrives in the U.S. she will file for divorce. They each say they are going to fight for full custody of the boys.
This is a game-changer in so many ways. First of all, I'm not confident that either one of them can provide for and care for the boys on their own. Second of all, this is going to get nasty between them. Third, my heart breaks for J and M. It really is their dream that is dying.
I told my husband that we really need to prepare ourselves. If neither parent can get their act together (they are both required to take alcohol and parenting classes before being considered to parent these kids), we may end up having them permanently. Which may not be a bad thing.
I got a call from their mom on the way home this afternoon. She wanted to let us know that she had found out last summer that their dad had been cheating on her and had actually had a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When it ended, the woman contacted the boys' mom and let her know everything. Including the month-long trip they took together to Cancun and the extensive amount of time she had spent with the boys while they were living there.
Their mom wanted to try and work things out and still live as a family, but their dad has made it very clear to her that he only wants to get his Visa and has no intention of living with her or mending their relationship. So she has finally "let go of the dream" (her words, not mine - I would have referred to it as more of a nightmare) and decided that as soon as he arrives in the U.S. she will file for divorce. They each say they are going to fight for full custody of the boys.
This is a game-changer in so many ways. First of all, I'm not confident that either one of them can provide for and care for the boys on their own. Second of all, this is going to get nasty between them. Third, my heart breaks for J and M. It really is their dream that is dying.
I told my husband that we really need to prepare ourselves. If neither parent can get their act together (they are both required to take alcohol and parenting classes before being considered to parent these kids), we may end up having them permanently. Which may not be a bad thing.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Almost a Month Already
Boy it does not seem like it has been a month since the boys came to live with us. So much has happened and time has flown. Sometimes it seems like they just got here. Sometimes it seems like they have always been here.
I have noticed that my kids and the boys have been acting more like siblings all the time. They are protective of one another but also bicker at each other at times. It's funny how the dynamic is developing so quickly. My son has been a real trooper about J and M being in his room. It's such a sacrifice for a 12 year old to give up his privacy. I try to allow him some time in there each day alone if he wants it.
The visits with mom have gone better than expected. M was very clingy on the first visit but has not been since. Mom shows up and spends her two hours then leaves. There are no sad faces, no tears. I was surprised by that. And I would be hurt if it was my kids that let me walk away that easily.
I am beginning to think that mom is almost relieved that this entire debaucle happened in the first place. Honestly, I believe she was completely overwhelmed with being a single mom to two little boys. Now she knows they are safe, loved and well taken care of at our house. She can go about her business and do what she wants without worrying about them.
Time will tell if she is willing to work the program she is given or not. I hope for the kids' sake she does!
I have noticed that my kids and the boys have been acting more like siblings all the time. They are protective of one another but also bicker at each other at times. It's funny how the dynamic is developing so quickly. My son has been a real trooper about J and M being in his room. It's such a sacrifice for a 12 year old to give up his privacy. I try to allow him some time in there each day alone if he wants it.
The visits with mom have gone better than expected. M was very clingy on the first visit but has not been since. Mom shows up and spends her two hours then leaves. There are no sad faces, no tears. I was surprised by that. And I would be hurt if it was my kids that let me walk away that easily.
I am beginning to think that mom is almost relieved that this entire debaucle happened in the first place. Honestly, I believe she was completely overwhelmed with being a single mom to two little boys. Now she knows they are safe, loved and well taken care of at our house. She can go about her business and do what she wants without worrying about them.
Time will tell if she is willing to work the program she is given or not. I hope for the kids' sake she does!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Three Weeks In
It is two days shy of three weeks, and we have definitely settled in with our new additions. I feel like things are becoming easier all the time. I hope the boys feel the same way.
J and M began attending my daughter's elementary school this past Monday. J complained to his teacher about a stomach ache the first day but I'm sure it was just nerves. They both seem to like it and are making friends quickly. That's a relief to me. I registered them for daycare, which they will start on Tuesday. I can then get back to some sort of a normal work schedule.
Their previous school informed me on their last day that J had won "Student of the Month" for January. I took them both back today for an assembly so he could get his award. It was so worth it. He was grinning from ear to ear!
Their mom was released from jail last Friday, and promptly moved one of the "friends" she made in jail into her apartment. She has lost her job due to her situation as well, and took on a job part-time working nights and weekends. She is entitled to three monitored visits per week, two hours each. Since the boys are in schoold during the weekdays and she works nights and weekends it is going to be difficult.
She told me that she cannot continue to attend the alcohol classes she was ordered to attend when she got the DUI last summer. She just doesn't have the money. Apparently all she has to do is show up, sign in and pay them each week. The class is not required. Really?
I really want to root for her. I really do. But she is not starting off on the right foot here. A jail-house roommate. Lost her job. Not motivated to actually learn something from classes, just to pay until she's done.
During her first visit last night it went pretty well. The boys were definitely happy to see her. M was clinging to her - broke my heart how much he wanted to hold on to her. I was expecting them to revert to their past behavior with her (chaos) but they did well.
All inidications are that we will have them at least until summer. I hope they look back on this time as a positive part of their little lives.
J and M began attending my daughter's elementary school this past Monday. J complained to his teacher about a stomach ache the first day but I'm sure it was just nerves. They both seem to like it and are making friends quickly. That's a relief to me. I registered them for daycare, which they will start on Tuesday. I can then get back to some sort of a normal work schedule.
Their previous school informed me on their last day that J had won "Student of the Month" for January. I took them both back today for an assembly so he could get his award. It was so worth it. He was grinning from ear to ear!
Their mom was released from jail last Friday, and promptly moved one of the "friends" she made in jail into her apartment. She has lost her job due to her situation as well, and took on a job part-time working nights and weekends. She is entitled to three monitored visits per week, two hours each. Since the boys are in schoold during the weekdays and she works nights and weekends it is going to be difficult.
She told me that she cannot continue to attend the alcohol classes she was ordered to attend when she got the DUI last summer. She just doesn't have the money. Apparently all she has to do is show up, sign in and pay them each week. The class is not required. Really?
I really want to root for her. I really do. But she is not starting off on the right foot here. A jail-house roommate. Lost her job. Not motivated to actually learn something from classes, just to pay until she's done.
During her first visit last night it went pretty well. The boys were definitely happy to see her. M was clinging to her - broke my heart how much he wanted to hold on to her. I was expecting them to revert to their past behavior with her (chaos) but they did well.
All inidications are that we will have them at least until summer. I hope they look back on this time as a positive part of their little lives.
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