Well, the boys' dad was here for all of a month. Now he's gone. He left yesterday to move across the state and start a new life - oops, I mean job.
He says he is going there to work for a "few months" to earn some money then he will be back to participate daily in the lives of his children. He very clearly does not want to be married to their mother any longer, which is fine. But to pack up and leave his kids? Again?
Poor J is devastated to say the least. This will scar that boy far more than his mother's drinking and the consequences of it. Both boys were ecstatic that their father was finally here, ready to be part of their lives. They had hopes and dreams of how life was going to be once they could be home and have their dad with them. Especially J - he has a certain bond with his dad that goes deep. Both boys are upset and sad, but J is crushed to the core.
So here we are, left to pick up the pieces of his decision to leave. We have to comfort them and dry their tears. We have to try to explain to little boys why their father has left them.
I come back to my theme of this entire ordeal. We must focus. Focus on these kids, on the task at hand. Focus on helping mom to continue on the right path (she's doing great, by the way) to reunify with her boys. She can do this, we have faith.
Focus. And soldier on. For the boys.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Dad is Here
Well, the boys' dad arrived here finally on Friday. They saw him yesterday for the first time in a year and a half. To say they were overjoyed would be a gross understatement. My husband took both boys and their dad to their first (even dad's!) MLB game last night. I'm sure it is a day that the boys will remember for the rest of their lives as one of the best ever.
Dad is a bit quiet and shy but is very attentive to the boys. Not quite sure yet how things are going to work with dad and mom but for now they are living in the same home and she is going to help him find a job.
This could go either way - all could work out and they could live happily ever after as a family, or mom and dad could have a big blow out and it could get ugly.
Fingers crossed for the former!
Dad is a bit quiet and shy but is very attentive to the boys. Not quite sure yet how things are going to work with dad and mom but for now they are living in the same home and she is going to help him find a job.
This could go either way - all could work out and they could live happily ever after as a family, or mom and dad could have a big blow out and it could get ugly.
Fingers crossed for the former!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A new chapter? Or an old one?
Like the sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives ...
Ever feel like you're in a soap opera? Only it's your life? Welcome to my world.
The boys' mom and dad have apparently decided to make a go of it. When he returns to this country in a couple of weeks, he now says he intends to live with her and attempt to make their marriage work. Is he just realizing that he needs her help to make a go of it in America? Or has he truly had a change of heart and wants to keep his family intact? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter!
At least the boys are doing well. Progressing in school, behaving for us here at home, enjoying their lives it seems. Must focus on them, and not the drama.
Ever feel like you're in a soap opera? Only it's your life? Welcome to my world.
The boys' mom and dad have apparently decided to make a go of it. When he returns to this country in a couple of weeks, he now says he intends to live with her and attempt to make their marriage work. Is he just realizing that he needs her help to make a go of it in America? Or has he truly had a change of heart and wants to keep his family intact? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter!
At least the boys are doing well. Progressing in school, behaving for us here at home, enjoying their lives it seems. Must focus on them, and not the drama.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The More Things Change ...
What a wild ride. It all started out rather calmly, this process. Everyone was on the same team. Hope mom and dad can get it together as a team and get J and M back, live as a family and flourish. Then it changed to mom and/or dad, or any combination thereof. Now we just have our fingers crossed that one of them might actually be strong and mature enough to actually do this!
Dad doesn't do what mom wants, and mom goes ballistic. Mom tries to give my husband and I parenting tips (in the form of a Scientology child rearing guide) because we don't do things the way she would do them. My husband doesn't take kindly to the suggestions. Dad is trying his best to get up here and keep things copasetic with mom.
I am simply trying to stay focused on the task at hand. Be a good influence while I have them. We actually had a visit from a "pre-adoption" social worker this week. She said it is routine for her to visit, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on the situation ...
Dad doesn't do what mom wants, and mom goes ballistic. Mom tries to give my husband and I parenting tips (in the form of a Scientology child rearing guide) because we don't do things the way she would do them. My husband doesn't take kindly to the suggestions. Dad is trying his best to get up here and keep things copasetic with mom.
I am simply trying to stay focused on the task at hand. Be a good influence while I have them. We actually had a visit from a "pre-adoption" social worker this week. She said it is routine for her to visit, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on the situation ...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Acclimation
Has it really been six weeks? Has it only been six weeks?
Amazing how quickly everyone adapts to new circumstances. I find it so interesting that the boys feel so much a part of our family already. When asked to write about family traditions, J wrote only about what we do here in our home. M was asked to draw his family and he included only our immediate family, including J, but not his mother nor his father. He even included our dogs.
I am so glad that they feel so comfortable with us, but it also breaks my heart. They must have really needed that connection to cling to it so readily. Perhaps its a human survival instinct to identify with your current situation in such a deep way. Perhaps it is just two kids that want to fit in.
Whatever the reason, I am not going to discourage it. If it makes this situation easier for them, I'm on board.
Amazing how quickly everyone adapts to new circumstances. I find it so interesting that the boys feel so much a part of our family already. When asked to write about family traditions, J wrote only about what we do here in our home. M was asked to draw his family and he included only our immediate family, including J, but not his mother nor his father. He even included our dogs.
I am so glad that they feel so comfortable with us, but it also breaks my heart. They must have really needed that connection to cling to it so readily. Perhaps its a human survival instinct to identify with your current situation in such a deep way. Perhaps it is just two kids that want to fit in.
Whatever the reason, I am not going to discourage it. If it makes this situation easier for them, I'm on board.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Things That Get to Me
I have said it before and I will say it again. It has been a fairly smooth transition for both our family and the boys. But there are a few things that get to me.
It's not the fact that their mom screwed up not only her situation but theirs, and ours. It's not that we are now accountable to the County and must follow their strict guidelines. It's not even the drama going on between their mom and dad. Nor the apparent intention of their dad to take them to Mexico and raise them there.
It's the little things that speak volumes. M crashed on his scooter today, Damage was minimal - a scraped knee and knuckle. Nothing a bit of Neosporin and a bandage topped off with a kiss couldn't fix. But as he sat there crying, I knew he wanted his mom. As much as I held and comforted him, fixed up his boo-boos and tried to make it better, I couldn't provide the one thing he really wanted. His mom. The same feeling of helplessness came over me when he woke up in the middle of the night with a 103.5 fever and a bad headache. Or when he got scared at something in a movie and started to cry. I can love and comfort him to the best of my tried and true mommy ability, but I can't be her.
On Valentine's Day, all the kids woke up and came at me with big hugs and a "Happy Valentine's Day mom!" Even M and J. They have both called me mom on several occasions - they laugh it off somewhat, but I think they just want to fit in and be a part of our family. I corrected them each time in the beginning, but now I just let it go. Breaks my heart for these two. M even made a Valentine card at school, wrote To: Mom and Dad (actually wrote Moom and Dad - cute) and gave it to me and my husband. I asked him if he meant to give it to his mom, and he said no that he did that on purpose.
This journey may be a short one or may be a long one. No one knows at this point. I'm sure it will have many twists and turns. I am just trying to keep my focus on the two little lives that are in home right now. I want to have a positive impact while I have the opportunity to influence them. And hopefully they will carry with them what they learn at our home, whether they leave here in a few months or remain with us until their grown.
One day at a time.
It's not the fact that their mom screwed up not only her situation but theirs, and ours. It's not that we are now accountable to the County and must follow their strict guidelines. It's not even the drama going on between their mom and dad. Nor the apparent intention of their dad to take them to Mexico and raise them there.
It's the little things that speak volumes. M crashed on his scooter today, Damage was minimal - a scraped knee and knuckle. Nothing a bit of Neosporin and a bandage topped off with a kiss couldn't fix. But as he sat there crying, I knew he wanted his mom. As much as I held and comforted him, fixed up his boo-boos and tried to make it better, I couldn't provide the one thing he really wanted. His mom. The same feeling of helplessness came over me when he woke up in the middle of the night with a 103.5 fever and a bad headache. Or when he got scared at something in a movie and started to cry. I can love and comfort him to the best of my tried and true mommy ability, but I can't be her.
On Valentine's Day, all the kids woke up and came at me with big hugs and a "Happy Valentine's Day mom!" Even M and J. They have both called me mom on several occasions - they laugh it off somewhat, but I think they just want to fit in and be a part of our family. I corrected them each time in the beginning, but now I just let it go. Breaks my heart for these two. M even made a Valentine card at school, wrote To: Mom and Dad (actually wrote Moom and Dad - cute) and gave it to me and my husband. I asked him if he meant to give it to his mom, and he said no that he did that on purpose.
This journey may be a short one or may be a long one. No one knows at this point. I'm sure it will have many twists and turns. I am just trying to keep my focus on the two little lives that are in home right now. I want to have a positive impact while I have the opportunity to influence them. And hopefully they will carry with them what they learn at our home, whether they leave here in a few months or remain with us until their grown.
One day at a time.
Monday, February 15, 2010
One Month Today
Time seems to be going by quickly. We took our first weekend camping trip since getting J and M, and it went very well. We all had a great time! Of course, they had been camping with us a couple of times before so they knew what to expect. I must say it was nice to get away and take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having.
I got a call from their mom on the way home this afternoon. She wanted to let us know that she had found out last summer that their dad had been cheating on her and had actually had a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When it ended, the woman contacted the boys' mom and let her know everything. Including the month-long trip they took together to Cancun and the extensive amount of time she had spent with the boys while they were living there.
Their mom wanted to try and work things out and still live as a family, but their dad has made it very clear to her that he only wants to get his Visa and has no intention of living with her or mending their relationship. So she has finally "let go of the dream" (her words, not mine - I would have referred to it as more of a nightmare) and decided that as soon as he arrives in the U.S. she will file for divorce. They each say they are going to fight for full custody of the boys.
This is a game-changer in so many ways. First of all, I'm not confident that either one of them can provide for and care for the boys on their own. Second of all, this is going to get nasty between them. Third, my heart breaks for J and M. It really is their dream that is dying.
I told my husband that we really need to prepare ourselves. If neither parent can get their act together (they are both required to take alcohol and parenting classes before being considered to parent these kids), we may end up having them permanently. Which may not be a bad thing.
I got a call from their mom on the way home this afternoon. She wanted to let us know that she had found out last summer that their dad had been cheating on her and had actually had a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When it ended, the woman contacted the boys' mom and let her know everything. Including the month-long trip they took together to Cancun and the extensive amount of time she had spent with the boys while they were living there.
Their mom wanted to try and work things out and still live as a family, but their dad has made it very clear to her that he only wants to get his Visa and has no intention of living with her or mending their relationship. So she has finally "let go of the dream" (her words, not mine - I would have referred to it as more of a nightmare) and decided that as soon as he arrives in the U.S. she will file for divorce. They each say they are going to fight for full custody of the boys.
This is a game-changer in so many ways. First of all, I'm not confident that either one of them can provide for and care for the boys on their own. Second of all, this is going to get nasty between them. Third, my heart breaks for J and M. It really is their dream that is dying.
I told my husband that we really need to prepare ourselves. If neither parent can get their act together (they are both required to take alcohol and parenting classes before being considered to parent these kids), we may end up having them permanently. Which may not be a bad thing.
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