Well, the 60-day trial is ending, and Mom will officially have her boys back. We have still been watching them on Saturdays and will have to take them on vacation with us Thanksgiving week because there is no daycare and Mom has to work.
So although our role is "over" (on paper at least), it continues. This is not a surprise to us. We have told Mom that we are here to support her with M and J in any way we are able. We want her to succeed. We want M and J to succeed.
The fact that Mom has acquired a boyfriend (whom she met online while we were taking care of her kids) and that J has been tardy 8 times already this school year make me leary. I hope she does well and can make it until they are both grown, but I am not holding my breath.
We have made it clear that if she were to screw things up again and we were to get the call that the boys need us, we will not take them. Not until both Mom and Dad have signed away all parental rights and we adopt them. It is not fair to the boys and it is not fair to us any other way.
Here's hoping there is not an adoption in our future!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Nearing the End?
Well, the boys are officially living with their mother nearly full time. As of Thursday, she has begun a 60-day trial. This simply means that during the next two months the County can pull the kids from her home at any time for any reason. If she does well during the trial, she will be given back provisional custody of the boys.
We moved their bunk beds, dresser and toys over to her apartment yesterday. Both J and M are thrilled to be back with their mom, which is great. And my son is excited to say the least about having his room back to himself.
For the trial period we will still have them on Saturdays all day and overnight so she can work. Once it is over, she will be back to a regular Monday through Friday daytime schedule.
I am happy that it is all winding down, I won't try to hide that fact. It is nice to see that mom has done well in her classes and I hope and pray that it sticks. Those boys deserve a good chance at life, and I think if she stays sober they may do alright.
I want to say this will be my last entry, but I can't be sure. So I will say this is it for now.
We moved their bunk beds, dresser and toys over to her apartment yesterday. Both J and M are thrilled to be back with their mom, which is great. And my son is excited to say the least about having his room back to himself.
For the trial period we will still have them on Saturdays all day and overnight so she can work. Once it is over, she will be back to a regular Monday through Friday daytime schedule.
I am happy that it is all winding down, I won't try to hide that fact. It is nice to see that mom has done well in her classes and I hope and pray that it sticks. Those boys deserve a good chance at life, and I think if she stays sober they may do alright.
I want to say this will be my last entry, but I can't be sure. So I will say this is it for now.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Time Changes Everything
As we have moved forward in this journey, I expected things to get easier. After all, mom is getting the help she so desperately needed, the kids are getting more used to living at our house and excitement is beginning to build in the boys about going back home with their mom.
The opposite has been the case. The more time they spend with mom, the more difficult it has become. They are both acting out but I am especially worried about J. I totally get why they do what they do. The defiance, anger, frustration - I understand exactly how all of those things can build up and then rear their ugly heads. For goodness sake, these boys have been through so much in their short lives.
It has been getting worse by the week, so I called the social worker this week and asked about getting them counseling. As with the immunizations, counseling is a sticking point for mom because it is against her religion. In fact, counseling will be a MUCH larger point of contention with mom. I am gearing up and bracing for a firestorm just for the fact that I even suggested it.
The SW has put into action a plan for someone to be with mom for 3 to 4 hours each week while the boys are with her in order to observe and critique her parenting skills. The SW believes the acting out is a result of going from the structure and stability of our house to the free-for-all atmosphere at mom's, and then coming back to structure. It creates confusion and frustration, understandably. The goal is for the boys to have structure, so the goal is to get mom to actually discipline them instead of always letting them have their way.
The SW said that we will try this approach first and, if there is not significant improvement in the behavior at our house, we will put them in counseling. Mom gets no say in this one. The judge has already ordered that they receive counseling if needed.
But it will still be a source of bitterness in mom. She will resent that we even brought up the fact that the boys are acting out. And that is fine with me. I can take it. As long as the boys have a good life with her in the long run.
The opposite has been the case. The more time they spend with mom, the more difficult it has become. They are both acting out but I am especially worried about J. I totally get why they do what they do. The defiance, anger, frustration - I understand exactly how all of those things can build up and then rear their ugly heads. For goodness sake, these boys have been through so much in their short lives.
It has been getting worse by the week, so I called the social worker this week and asked about getting them counseling. As with the immunizations, counseling is a sticking point for mom because it is against her religion. In fact, counseling will be a MUCH larger point of contention with mom. I am gearing up and bracing for a firestorm just for the fact that I even suggested it.
The SW has put into action a plan for someone to be with mom for 3 to 4 hours each week while the boys are with her in order to observe and critique her parenting skills. The SW believes the acting out is a result of going from the structure and stability of our house to the free-for-all atmosphere at mom's, and then coming back to structure. It creates confusion and frustration, understandably. The goal is for the boys to have structure, so the goal is to get mom to actually discipline them instead of always letting them have their way.
The SW said that we will try this approach first and, if there is not significant improvement in the behavior at our house, we will put them in counseling. Mom gets no say in this one. The judge has already ordered that they receive counseling if needed.
But it will still be a source of bitterness in mom. She will resent that we even brought up the fact that the boys are acting out. And that is fine with me. I can take it. As long as the boys have a good life with her in the long run.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Almost a Travesty
We had a dilemma come up this week. Mom has chosen not to immunize the boys. When we took custody of them in January we were aware of this, and were told that the court would respect her wish. Not a problem. Until now.
Our community is experiencing an epidemic of pertussis, or whooping cough. We have been hearing about it on the news and certainly became concerned for the boys. Especially J, who has breathing trouble whenever he gets a cold. The whooping cough is brutal and can last for months.
But the bigger dilemma is this: Our son has asthma and shares a room with the boys. I did some research and learned that the vaccine is not 100% effective. I also learned that children who get whooping cough are contagious before they ever show symptoms. People with asthma who get whooping cough are at risk of much more serious complications than others. We called our pediatrician who advised us not to have our son sleeping in a room with children who are not immunized.
We explained all of this to mom, who quickly informed us that she would not be immunizing the boys and that she would have them removed from our home before she got them immunized. Period, end of discussion.
Now I would hate to see those boys traumatized again by being pulled from our home and placed in foster care with people they do not know. That would be a travesty. But my first obligation is to protect my child in every way possible, which means the boys get immunized or they cannot live here any longer. The decision is, unfortunately, out of my hands.
Since mom was clear that she would not immunize, I had to contact the social worker and share my dilemma. He completely understood, but told me that ultimately the court must respect her decision as she retains her parental rights, including medical decisions. He said he would contact mom and try to talk to her about it and asked that we give her a "heads up" that he would be calling.
When my husband called mom and told her, she was very angry. But I guess the reality that her boys could be uprooted once again hit her and she agreed to get them immunized for pertussis. She is not happy at all, but at least she is doing the right thing for her kids.
Thank God for answering prayers. This could have been horrible for those kids.
Our community is experiencing an epidemic of pertussis, or whooping cough. We have been hearing about it on the news and certainly became concerned for the boys. Especially J, who has breathing trouble whenever he gets a cold. The whooping cough is brutal and can last for months.
But the bigger dilemma is this: Our son has asthma and shares a room with the boys. I did some research and learned that the vaccine is not 100% effective. I also learned that children who get whooping cough are contagious before they ever show symptoms. People with asthma who get whooping cough are at risk of much more serious complications than others. We called our pediatrician who advised us not to have our son sleeping in a room with children who are not immunized.
We explained all of this to mom, who quickly informed us that she would not be immunizing the boys and that she would have them removed from our home before she got them immunized. Period, end of discussion.
Now I would hate to see those boys traumatized again by being pulled from our home and placed in foster care with people they do not know. That would be a travesty. But my first obligation is to protect my child in every way possible, which means the boys get immunized or they cannot live here any longer. The decision is, unfortunately, out of my hands.
Since mom was clear that she would not immunize, I had to contact the social worker and share my dilemma. He completely understood, but told me that ultimately the court must respect her decision as she retains her parental rights, including medical decisions. He said he would contact mom and try to talk to her about it and asked that we give her a "heads up" that he would be calling.
When my husband called mom and told her, she was very angry. But I guess the reality that her boys could be uprooted once again hit her and she agreed to get them immunized for pertussis. She is not happy at all, but at least she is doing the right thing for her kids.
Thank God for answering prayers. This could have been horrible for those kids.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Summer
Life is so busy, I don't get much time to stop in here and blog. Summer has been a bit of a challenge so far ...
The boys are in daycare. J is happy to go to daycare. He loves that he gets to play with his friends, go on field trips and have assemblies. M is not so happy about it. He complains that my kids get to stay home. I work from home and my kids are old enough to keep quiet while I am working. They can also fend for themselves when I have an appointment to attend. M is not happy with this arrangement and makes it known. But I must work and this is the only way I can efficiently do so.
I had surgery a week ago to remove a bone in my shoulder that was impinging my artery and blood flow to my arm. I was scheduled to have this surgery in January, a week after we got the boys. With all of the upheaval in our lives at that point, I postponed the surgery. We are in a bit of a groove now with the kids, so I rescheduled (being told by the doctor that my condition had worsened also pushed me along). The surgery went very well, but I must rest in order to recover. And I am not allowed to drive yet.
So we made the mom step up and help us out during this time. Since she has unmonitored visitation privileges, she has been taking the boys to daycare each morning for me. She also came to our home at 4:30 a.m. on the day of my surgery to sit with the boys and get them to daycare. It's the least she can do.
I have noticed a change in the boys this summer. I'm not sure if it's just that they have reached a higher comfort level here, or if they are just getting more frustrated with this whole situation. It may have something to do with the amount of time they are now spending with their mom (16 hours a week, unmonitored). Both of them are sporting more attitude. M will challenge us when asked to do something, or complain about how we do things. J will just roll his eyes at me.
They are able to "work" their mom pretty easily. A few whiny words, a couple of tears, some begging - it's that easy to get what they want from her. I honestly think they are more frustrated with us now because they have been with their mom so much lately, and have had a taste of manipulation. They know it doesn't work with us and it aggravates them.
We still have 54 days of summer to go. Hope I make it!!
The boys are in daycare. J is happy to go to daycare. He loves that he gets to play with his friends, go on field trips and have assemblies. M is not so happy about it. He complains that my kids get to stay home. I work from home and my kids are old enough to keep quiet while I am working. They can also fend for themselves when I have an appointment to attend. M is not happy with this arrangement and makes it known. But I must work and this is the only way I can efficiently do so.
I had surgery a week ago to remove a bone in my shoulder that was impinging my artery and blood flow to my arm. I was scheduled to have this surgery in January, a week after we got the boys. With all of the upheaval in our lives at that point, I postponed the surgery. We are in a bit of a groove now with the kids, so I rescheduled (being told by the doctor that my condition had worsened also pushed me along). The surgery went very well, but I must rest in order to recover. And I am not allowed to drive yet.
So we made the mom step up and help us out during this time. Since she has unmonitored visitation privileges, she has been taking the boys to daycare each morning for me. She also came to our home at 4:30 a.m. on the day of my surgery to sit with the boys and get them to daycare. It's the least she can do.
I have noticed a change in the boys this summer. I'm not sure if it's just that they have reached a higher comfort level here, or if they are just getting more frustrated with this whole situation. It may have something to do with the amount of time they are now spending with their mom (16 hours a week, unmonitored). Both of them are sporting more attitude. M will challenge us when asked to do something, or complain about how we do things. J will just roll his eyes at me.
They are able to "work" their mom pretty easily. A few whiny words, a couple of tears, some begging - it's that easy to get what they want from her. I honestly think they are more frustrated with us now because they have been with their mom so much lately, and have had a taste of manipulation. They know it doesn't work with us and it aggravates them.
We still have 54 days of summer to go. Hope I make it!!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Five Months
It has been five months since this adventure began. Ups, downs and all, we are making it.
The boys are doing great. School is almost out for the summer and both boys have adjusted well to their new school. Each of them won an award in their class, which made them and me very proud. I have to hand it to them - so much upheaval in their young lives and they still manage to be good kids and do a good job with their school work.
Their dad has not called here since he left. He has called their mom a couple of times while the boys were with her and talked to them briefly. I am still not sure what he intends to do long-term, but I do not think he will ever be a meaningful participant in the boys' lives.
At this point mom gets to take them for 12 hours per week unmonitored. This has been the case for the last 3 weeks, and I must say it has been nice to have that break each weekend. The next step will be an overnight visit each week, then progressing to her having them for the weekends.
This all sounds great but the reality is that she is still doing classes every weekday. This means the only time she can work is evenings and weekends. So even though she has increased visitation with the boys, we will still have them here the majority of the time while she works.
She will be finished with her classes in late November, barring any hiccups along the way. At that point she can look for a day job and, when she finds one, she can then resume parenting the boys on a full-time basis.
When all is said and done, we will have them for a full year. Wow.
The boys are doing great. School is almost out for the summer and both boys have adjusted well to their new school. Each of them won an award in their class, which made them and me very proud. I have to hand it to them - so much upheaval in their young lives and they still manage to be good kids and do a good job with their school work.
Their dad has not called here since he left. He has called their mom a couple of times while the boys were with her and talked to them briefly. I am still not sure what he intends to do long-term, but I do not think he will ever be a meaningful participant in the boys' lives.
At this point mom gets to take them for 12 hours per week unmonitored. This has been the case for the last 3 weeks, and I must say it has been nice to have that break each weekend. The next step will be an overnight visit each week, then progressing to her having them for the weekends.
This all sounds great but the reality is that she is still doing classes every weekday. This means the only time she can work is evenings and weekends. So even though she has increased visitation with the boys, we will still have them here the majority of the time while she works.
She will be finished with her classes in late November, barring any hiccups along the way. At that point she can look for a day job and, when she finds one, she can then resume parenting the boys on a full-time basis.
When all is said and done, we will have them for a full year. Wow.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Dad Has Left the Building
Well, the boys' dad was here for all of a month. Now he's gone. He left yesterday to move across the state and start a new life - oops, I mean job.
He says he is going there to work for a "few months" to earn some money then he will be back to participate daily in the lives of his children. He very clearly does not want to be married to their mother any longer, which is fine. But to pack up and leave his kids? Again?
Poor J is devastated to say the least. This will scar that boy far more than his mother's drinking and the consequences of it. Both boys were ecstatic that their father was finally here, ready to be part of their lives. They had hopes and dreams of how life was going to be once they could be home and have their dad with them. Especially J - he has a certain bond with his dad that goes deep. Both boys are upset and sad, but J is crushed to the core.
So here we are, left to pick up the pieces of his decision to leave. We have to comfort them and dry their tears. We have to try to explain to little boys why their father has left them.
I come back to my theme of this entire ordeal. We must focus. Focus on these kids, on the task at hand. Focus on helping mom to continue on the right path (she's doing great, by the way) to reunify with her boys. She can do this, we have faith.
Focus. And soldier on. For the boys.
He says he is going there to work for a "few months" to earn some money then he will be back to participate daily in the lives of his children. He very clearly does not want to be married to their mother any longer, which is fine. But to pack up and leave his kids? Again?
Poor J is devastated to say the least. This will scar that boy far more than his mother's drinking and the consequences of it. Both boys were ecstatic that their father was finally here, ready to be part of their lives. They had hopes and dreams of how life was going to be once they could be home and have their dad with them. Especially J - he has a certain bond with his dad that goes deep. Both boys are upset and sad, but J is crushed to the core.
So here we are, left to pick up the pieces of his decision to leave. We have to comfort them and dry their tears. We have to try to explain to little boys why their father has left them.
I come back to my theme of this entire ordeal. We must focus. Focus on these kids, on the task at hand. Focus on helping mom to continue on the right path (she's doing great, by the way) to reunify with her boys. She can do this, we have faith.
Focus. And soldier on. For the boys.
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